The Rhythm of Relationships

“I’ve got this.”

“If it is to be then it’s up to ME!”

“I can do it all by myself”

Have you ever felt guilty when asking for help? I'm not referencing a handout but those times when a hand up would be nice. Ours is a culture that in many ways prizes self-reliance and climbing the ladder of success (however defined).

All by Myself.

Now, when I say that, it’s not to the chagrin of individuality. Each person is unique and no doubt intrinsically valuable. Meaning, that our value does not rise and fall based on our performance, material gain or accrued accessories. Our worth is deep seated in the fabric of who we are as human beings. So, in many ways, it’s good to celebrate individuality. Individualism - in the sense of overly relying on "me-myself-&-mine" - is a different animal altogether. 

Suffice it to say that when we discuss identity or personhood it’s an incomplete picture to think of a person in isolation from others. Whether dressed to the nines working behind a mahogany desk, or someone with a plaque on the wall with alphabet soup behind her name - We’re human in the context of connections. In other words, I am a “person-in-community.” This community or environment may consist of family, friends, or foes. It’s made up of all that surrounds us, from the most complex to the simplest of organisms ("from the top all the way down"). 

And this has “what” to do with raising my children? Or prepping for my math final? Or deliberating the beta of my next investment?

It may actually give us some perspective. If the world isn’t simply uncharted territory for individuals to conquer, but a dynamic, vibrant system of incredible connectivity (constantly in process), then gauging the health of our relationships is crucial. I find it especially interesting that renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow, in his famous hierarchy of needs, acknowledged later in his life that the pinnacle of his model is not "self-actualization" but rather "self-transcendence." The shift was a recognition that reaching our full potential as a person may be personal but isn't privatized. In other words, it involves our relating to the "other" as a critical component to wholeness.

And for relationships to be in the process of becoming healthier, it takes work. It could be a gamechanger to realize that personal well-being has everything to do with the well-being of others. It opens our eyes to the gravity of our response-ability with our words, attitude and actions. Now - granted - depending on our past experiences, when we hear discussions about communication, consideration, forgiveness, understanding, listening well (among a host of other aspects important to relationship building), sometimes we sense a tinge of discomfort, hesitation or hurt. Many of us know all too well the emotional fallout and mental anguish of relational dissonance, betrayal or heartache. It leaves a mark and affects issues such as trust, vulnerability and intimacy.

Maybe Consider:

1)   Am I being care-full with my relationships?

I sometimes ask kiddos in session if they would venture into the living room on Christmas morn, and with a running start, leap as high as possible, smashing their carefully wrapped presents under the tree. Or do we carefully handle that which is valued as gifts? Drawing from the illustration, we then discuss how we treat the "gift" of our family members. When they speak, are we engaged in listening well with the goal of understanding? Or do we grin and bear their words, chomping at the bit to say our piece? Do we slow down and treasure the moments we share together? Or do we brush past one another as if we’re antiquated fixtures in a room?

2)   Inner Circle of Influence

There’s an oft-quoted expression that "you are the average of the 5 people closest to you." But Organizational Psychologist, David Burkus, offers an interesting qualification – “You’re not the average of the FIVE people you surround with. It’s way bigger than that. You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look around and make sure you’re in the right surroundings.” With that being said, we do well to consider the persons who are closest to us, those in the “inner circle” as well as those around who we're around. The interconnected influences matter, as the folks we do life with (whether at school, work, or in the home) have a profound influence upon our choices, habits and ongoing character development.

So, amidst the hustle and bustle of our days, it may help to slow down and assess the condition of our connections.

And healthy relationships have a loving cadence to them. Rather than “finding” the rhythm, maybe it’s something we can learn or develop along the way. We don't slip into this. We need strategies, support and intentionality concerning our relational response. This is one of the tremendous potentials of the therapeutic process. It affords a safe space to discuss, explore and process a way forward regarding healthier connectivity.